Three (or possibly four), that was the number of kids we thought we’d have. After the Lord moved mountains in my heart and got me past saying I was never ever having children that is. Then we waited an extra year before trying for our first child because things weren’t even close to ready in our house or our life. Roo’s birth changed us both and it sometimes feels like there was never a time without her, like we were always meant to be a family. Although we did wait a year longer than my first plan laid out before asking for our second child, we could always feel that there were more children to come who were almost sort of already there in some way we couldn’t explain. Rocket was born as fast as he could come into the world and my recovery from his birth was long. It’s not good when the doctor stitching you back together says things like “blown to bits” or “nearly completely avulsed”. We questioned whether a third was in the cards after all that and counted the rogue idea of a fourth child out completely since time was ticking on and I would surely be 40 before that could happen.
I originally thought that since time was ticking we might start trying for that third child when Rocket was 12-18 months old. As his first birthday approached I ruled it out until the following summer. I hadn’t even begun my postpartum body rehab work. My mental health was not where I wanted it. The living room was finally plastered but not yet painted and didn’t have the new flooring down. The dining room was still partially open gutted walls with insulation in them (top half of the walls where the kids can’t reach). Our kitchen cabinets were languishing in Pap-pap’s shop and countertops a decision not yet made. We still had only one useable bedroom and needed to completely gut the second before we could move kids in there. No, no, no. I closed the book and walked away. This also felt like completely shutting the door on that possible 4th child, biologically anyways-we would talk of fostering once the last baby was done.
Content with this decision for a couple of months life whizzed by without much progress on any of those issues. Then I began wrestling with what could be described as one of those still small voices. Perhaps you are trying to control too much, it would say. Maybe we should let go and let God decide the timing I would wonder. Are we overstepping our bounds here trying to get ducks in a row before inviting another child? The timing wasn’t perfect for kiddos 1 or 2, why should we demand it be better for the 3rd? Maybe trying to control everything is adding to your anxiety. I wrestled with this voice for two or three months and then in the darkness one night I spilled it all out to my husband. He listened and held me and asked, are you physically and mentally able to have another child or would we be harming your health at this point? I laid out best-case scenarios and worst-case and most probable in-between cases. He listened to my brain-heart dump as he always does, holding me and asking gentle questions, letting me work through my mind to the end. It was agreed that I was definitely over agonizing, er analyzing, this whole thing and adding much to my anxiety level. That we wouldn’t go about deliberately trying for another child but we would let go of the death-grip on needing to be in control of the timing and allow God some space to work again in our hearts and lives.
That same month we would see a positive pregnancy test and know we were on the road to welcoming that third child. 6 days later I would be bitten by a deer tick and everyone would panic for a couple of weeks waiting for test results while everything was closed over Thanksgiving. Speaking of Thanksgiving, like the loonies we are, a trip was made from south-western Pennsylvania to northern Vermont for his sister’s wedding. We would take 4 adults and 4 kids in car seats in our 8 passenger minivan. Extra luggage was sent up with other family members. Two days after our return we would go for a dating ultrasound. If the Dr’s ran with the LMP date they wanted to use I was afraid they’d start pressuring an induction nearly a week early since my conception date was pretty solid. We would get the plot twist that there are two babies! Oh, how I wish they allowed photography/videography in ultrasound rooms! I would have loved to have captured hubby’s face as the news registered in his mind and his eyebrows installed themselves on the ceiling. I love watching his face each time as we wait for the pregnancy test results. It’s always one filled with love, awe and wonder. Watching him as we had our first ever ultrasound was made so much more special by the surprise of twins. Somehow the Lord had asked us to trust Him and when we did he doubled down and sent kids 3 and 4 all at once.
A couple of weeks later the tests from both my blood and the tick were negative for any tick-borne pathogens and we all slept better after praising God for his mercies. I would then get my first ever yeast infection from the antibiotic they had me on for the tick bite. Because that’s what you need freshly pregnant just before Christmas.
We eventually sent out a pregnancy announcement. Third child problems?
